Why I say this retreat was harder than in Campion is simply because this SHB retreat was a guided retreat while my birthday retreat in there was a self-directed retreat. In Campion, I was on my own, tho' I had a spiritual director but I did all my schedule for prayers and all that by myself. In IHM Retreat House, I was with other hundred of retreatants and therefore the schedule was fixed from 6AM to 10PM. No one can go with their own, we had to follow the schedule.
I love retreat in any kind, be it a self-directed, guided or silent. I love having my moments with God. I remember a saying from
St. Teresa of Avila in her Biography book written in Spanish, at the end she wrote 'Solo Dios Basta!' which means 'God alone is enough'; let nothing troubles you, let nothing frightened you, all things will be passed away but God never changed, patience can obtain everything, Solo Dios Basta!
I sometimes think that I probably have been called to a religious life. My soul is thirsting for God's wonderful words and I long to serve people and church. But in the meantime, I also love shopping, latest trends and gadgets, traveling (as much as possible), having a cuppa in a cafe, wine and dine, and many more worldly things. Ehem.
So let's just say that I keep my life balanced. ^_____^
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Back to the retreat.
After the sport at 6AM, I had my first 'Doa Yesus' (Jesus' Prayer). Being a moderate Catholic, I had never heard of Jesus' Prayer before, all I know is Jesus taught us to pray 'Our Father'. So when I first read the schedule for this retreat and my eyes were caught on the title of 'Doa Yesus' my first thought was this one probably wouldn't be too far from praying Our Father. Maybe a further explanation of Our Father prayer, I thought.
But it wasn't that far. Doa Yesus is actually a simple pray yet needs lots of concentration. It is as simple as we say 'Jesus' during the praying. We sat on the floor with our hands open up like what we use to do in meditation, controlled our breathing - inhale and exhale, and as we breathed we said Jesus. So it's like saying "Je... (inhale) and sus... (exhale)". It sounded easy, but for a full hour sitting in lotus position - in an early Saturday morning where my friends and colleagues were still snoring in their bed, it's soooo hard...
I felt good and followed the rhythm of the prayer at first, but moments after that I almost felt asleep... (can what? I just had a shower feeling so fresh, early weekend morning, aircon room, instrumental song, peaceful and quiet surrounding... who didn't fall asleep?) When I finally managed to wake up and take a long deep breath... in the next 15 minutes or so, I had spacer or numb feeling (or Indonesians use to call "kesemutan") >.< aarrrrggghhhh
I couldn’t feel my lotus legs.
I couldn't feel a thing.
I almost gave up...
Then I tried to concentrate once again. This time instead of saying "Jesus... Jesus...." I opted to just pray for forgiveness. I asked God to forgive me... That one worked. I didn't fall asleep or go numb, I cried.
* If you need more explanation about Doa Yesus, you can read from here.~*~*~
After breakfast, we began on Session 1. It's about the God's Love. Basically the Seminar of New Life in the Spirit is the same in everywhere. The Session would be six or seven and each session is taught per week and the bible reading is every day. Instead of having six weeks of seminar this retreat squeezed the six sessions into one whole day which was suitable for anyone with busy activities.
The Session 1 explained how God loves us with everlasting love. As stated in 1 John 4:10, "This is what love is: it is not that we have loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the means by which our sins are forgiven."
We continued to Session 4 and followed by adoration and confession.
Session 2 was about the Gift of Salvation. God freed us from darkness and power of satan through the coming of His Son, Jesus Christ. "He rescued us from the power of darkness and brought us safe into the kingdom of His dear Son, by whom we are set free, that is, our sins are forgiven." Col 1:13-14.
Session 3 was about New Life in Christ. This was my favourite session. I always love the bible verse from John 10:10, "... I have come in order that you might have life - life in all its fullness." Just everytime I remember this verse, I feel like gaining a new spirit emerge in me even when I'm having a bad day! This seminar taught how God wants to renew our life in Christ through the Holy Spirit. By renewing our faith in Christ, we'd be ready to receive the power of the Holy Spirit.
Session 4 about Receiving God's Gift was interconnected directly with the previous session. In this session we had been prepared to our baptism in Holy Spirit, that is, the renewal of our own baptism. In my understanding, we have to be a baptized Catholic to receive the baptism in Holy Spirit, this baptism by far is a sign of a mature Catholic person. The complete explanation about baptism in Catholic church can be read
here.
After session 4, the adoration and confession began. This held in order to prepare ourselves for tonight's mass and our baptism renewal. Lunch followed soon after and silentium break.
I went for a walk in the surrounding at the break time. It was a super hot day but I got nothing to do and I was too lazy for napping.
The church of Immaculate Heart of Mary is located in the Highland road where all the beautiful landed houses are. The roads were very quiet that afternoon and I barely saw anybody on the streets. I got back to the church complex after 15 minutes walking around.
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In between the sessions, we got praise and worship where inspirational songs were sung. We were not only singing but also dancing and clapping hands. It was lively. Not all Catholics can accept this kind of singing with all clapping and dancing but for me as long as it's within the limits, I'm all in all ok.
Session 5 explained about speaking in tongues (Glossolalia) as gift from God. I cannot say that I'm totally believe in glossolalia but I'm also not controversial against it. I can accept that. I'm okay with people who believe and practise it and I don't see them as weird or something. People have their own way to pray and praise I think.
Speaking in tongues can be seen as a way of praising God. In my logic understanding, when we are in a particular moment where we can feel God loves us very much (or if we feel we are sinful but still God forgives us or any feelings related to God and His mercy) and the presence of Holy Spirit surround us, that we probably can speak in tongues as our response to God. Some said that God had touched their heart and they can't thank Him enough in words so they spoke glossolalia. That, I do believe. There were times when I felt so close, so thankful to Him that I was no longer able to speak anything. At that time I can feel God was smiling at me. And I smiled back. But I didn't speak glossolalia.
This speaking is actually beyond our intelligence. There are some articles and books about it, but moreover, it is our own experience that counts. I believe every single person has his or her own personal explanation (or experience) towards it. I was waiting for mine.
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After session 5, we had a small break to prepare for the mass. We had a mass everyday during this retreat.
There was a renewal of our baptismal promises during the mass. Just everytime I say my baptism promise, I always feel joy whenever the promise comes out from my mouth.
Do you reject Satan? I do. And all his works? I do. And all
his empty promises? I do. Do you believe in God, the Father Almighty,
creator of heaven and earth? I do.
Do you believe in Jesus Christ, his only Son, our Lord, who was born of the
Virgin Mary was crucified, died, and was buried, rose from the dead, and is now
seated at the right hand of the Father? I do.
Do you believe in the Holy Spirit, the holy Catholic church, the communion of
saints, the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body, and life
everlasting? I do.
God, the all-powerful Father of our Lord Jesus Christ has given us a new
birth by water and the Holy Spirit, and forgiven all our sins. May he also keep
us faithful to our Lord Jesus Christ for ever and ever. Amen.
Dinner followed after that. Teh Kotak Sosro provided... *I love Teh Kotak (teh = tea, kotak = box, Teh Kotak basically is a jasmine tea drink in a small package box).
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I'm honestly saying that I was a bit afraid after the dinner. I wasn't ready for "Pencurahan Roh Kudus (Receiving the gift of Holy Spirit)", I wasn't ready to receive it and I was afraid to speak in tongues.
We again sat in the floor as we did in adoration. The lights were dimmed. Inspirational songs were sung. Sister Rufina, P.Karm, guided us to pray... I soon released my fearness... I let God worked on me.
When finally the sisters and priest came to each one of us, praying and speaking tongues - spreading the joy of Holy Spirit, I was more than ready. One of the sister stood and prayed in front of me, put the sign of cross in my forehead and in a blink I was shaking and fell down... I laid on my back in the floor (I was kneeling at that time but there was a catcher on my back so it didn't hurt at all). Seconds after that, I had a strange feeling in the whole body of mine; I can hear my heart beating, I can hear my breathe, I can feel the blood through my veins... I can feel me... it felt like I was inside my body. Then instead of speaking in tongues, I started to cry... a very deep cry. So deep that I can feel my body shaking. I was totally sane of course, I think not even a single second I was uncoscious, that wasn't a trance nor unconsciousness, that was Holy Spirit around me not other things. I felt God touched my heart, I can feel Him so close to me. I was sad and happy at the same time.
I still laid down on the floor for quite sometime... and I journeyed back to the past. I saw myself in many pictures... and I cried even more tears... why can't I realize God's everlasting love to me? why can't I know that He's waiting for me for all this time? why I was so blind of God's mercy to me?
I always like a quote of "There's always something better waiting around the corner...". Though I don't really follow on that since we have to know on which corner we should wait... wrong corner - wrong turn - no better option. But at that moment I knew that this's my corner, this's the right corner, this's the corner I should turn to... God has been waiting for me to turn to Him. God is waiting for around the corner for me.
When I finally got up and on my kneeling position again, I wiped out my tears and took a long deep breath... I thanked God for the wonderful moment with Him... and I had never been so sure in my life. I can feel my heart was at a full. I was like flowing on the air... I felt joy that I've never felt before.
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Sharing came after that. Some people were sharing their experiences on how hard they tried for joining this retreat and how wonderful that was for them. I was having the same thing. Great experiences. I didn't share anything with the other retreatants, but I did knew that I also had an amazing experience during this retreat.
The priest said that our journey in New Life with Christ has just begun and it depends on us on how to keep it flaming in our heart. I want to keep the flame in me, I want it to keep burning inside me.
My journey has just begun...
